The Best and Worst Case Scenario of Determination to Survive


In my life I’ve seen a lot of things occur. One of the most amazing things I’ve seen those undermined and underestimated beat the odds. At the same time I have seen to cruelty that comes when those with inflated egos full of narcasstic character and in the most dangerous sociopathic tcharacter, have seen those same individuals be taken advantage, where vulnerability is tankn advantage and those in ill intent come into the arena of life and fight fair, where in their blind perception play God and take that powerful’s force life.

Looking back at my life, I honestly have to say that I am completely happy with my life. I did a lot in the short time I lived. I have professional experience to fill up a resume with the modeling, the fashion designing, the public speaking, the painting, the furniture making, the interior design, the syling, the training, along with the professional experiences I have been blessed with in my lifetime that actually paid the bills. Shit writing is one that is slowly but surely taking off.. Even MMA fighting would of been one that paid the bills, if my family didn’t take me out of it if I didn’t get my ass whooped by a bigger bitch. Shit we were friends for a quiet a long time until her demise. Which is what inspired this blog to begin with. One of the things I’ve learned in this new psychology venture that I am excited to start classes in the fall with is that once you mastered the psychology within yourself, theories that other known psychologist talk about is the metaphysical psychology that those meet. If it wasn’t for that discovery most recently, I would see my dreams as just that. Where last nights dream, one that made me relive some of my days prior to my college journey as teenager introduce me to my ride or die that started off as an enemy with. As her family requested to have her annonymous as they are still after 15 years are still attempting to get justice back for her slain daughter by a man who started with great intention, killed her in the act of jealousy, insecurity, and an inflated ego. Where because of his family roots, backed up by money and good name, leaver her death still unjustified. And had me in a dream take it as a sign to let it out to the Universe again so Karma can catch up with the unfinished work she hasn’t completed.


I still practice like I was still training for MMA. It helps gather my thoughts and organizes the cluster fuck of thoughts in my head. Driving does the same thing, which is why I choose to Uber. One of the many things that I think about when I spare alone is the many guys in my life who resulted to physical intimidation that played victim when their effect of their cause was an asskicking that deflated the ego they once had. Which brought me to the idea that I know my fate will end up coming in that moment that someone feels they are God. That’s the reality in the world we live in. One of the lessons I learned from my coach, my beloved late Uncle Mike , was that “you must be aware and prepared as best you can for the threats that come your way” which doesn’t surprise me as he was a United States Marine Corp at one time. Unfortunately he got dishonorably discharged for something he never talked about. An action that he was instructed to do that he refused to sell his soul to the devil for. That’s another thing, there are bad apples and corrupt souls in organizations that we tend to turn our heads on and follow blindly. Which is why the “do your research” from those biased ignorant minds don’t phase me at all. Little do they neglect to realize is that everyone has a public record, even the elite. In being a rational truth seeker, those resources are given in the sake of fighting justice. Just because it doesn’t come out on a police report or a credit report, the two things we as a society count on to gain acceptance, doesn’t mean that the rest of what happens is not public. Everything these days is public. Depending on the purpose self ratified preservation or the the act of justification, the backstory will tell you exactly where those intentions of a individual lie.


While evoking my MMA spirit animal, Rhonda Rowsey, which I am a huge fan of by the way. Made me think back to some of my poor yet glory days when I started at 16 years old as a way to protect myself from the bullies a out of the box child brings their way. What could of started as an ill act to protect myself the only way I thought and be introduced to an invigorating art that made me become more humble (as many do this to inflate their ego more) made me think about my slain friend. Which started as a romance from a fairy tale to the manipulation of his family, then in his moment of narcissism turned socialpathic behavior, killed my friend because of the upbringing that she came from, making her noble family still in grief and in more conflict as this family used all their power to prevent this family from rising from the ashes a unfair fight for their survival. Although they at the bottom of the barrel fight for survival, I have to admire them; they played the cards that were handed to them phenomenally. Talking to my slain sister (as everyone close becomes family) brought so many great memories and a grieving session on both parts. She was a remarkable woman. She would of been someone who would of made it when MMA actually became a sport. We also talked about the unfair fight that was her last moments in life. Where her then husband drugged her with a date rape drug and when she fought her way through the affects and began to fight back, in his desperation stabbed her and drowned her when she still fighting for her life, hit her in the head with a object and then still fighting, drowned her in the bathtub of their home where I visited a year prior. And his family with their wealth wiped their hands clean to make their prodigal son look like she went crazy and attempted to attack him. My thought was how could she? She wasn’t that kind of person. And for a gluttonous prick now resulting to cosmetic surgery to give him the body he has now, is all a gimmick to the righteous person he claims to be.


Her family told me how proud they were of me and my sister would of been even more prouder, where if she was alive we would get back in the ring and spare having her say “don’t forget bitch, your still human. Never forget that your not invincible” which is a mantra I carry with me to this very day. You see, the determination to survive has two sides, the positive and the negative. Self preservation from the perceptions others see us can turn even the most noblest of people evil in their moment of pride. I pray for my sister’s killer till this very day as the empathy that I have for him doesn’t go away. To be proven by the world, which he lives off of his parents because of an inflated ego has to be the worst prison anyone can ever live in. Trapped by those who enable your bad behavior and the constant fight within yourself, when are you going to stop and empower yourself to rise up, before it’s too late. Because those situations of intimidation are more frequent than we want to admit. With the absence of respect and morals, it’s only a matter a time when someone will provoke you betting that your going to crack. But if you don’t care as much as you say you do, then why are you thinking about it as you read this? Every time I hear this song I think of her. We use to be deemed the “party girls”. This one is for you my female Torro. Hope your swinging from the chandelier of heaven with that smile I miss so much. How does it feel to see your seeing your little sister in this big bad world swinging from the chandelier with these tears as they dry. XOXO


3 thoughts on “The Best and Worst Case Scenario of Determination to Survive

  1. Map195 July 3, 2020 / 7:37 am

    pleasure

    Like

  2. Map195 June 26, 2020 / 3:58 pm

    well written

    Liked by 1 person

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