I will be the first to admit that prior to writing “The Journey of an Unraveled Road” I was still had another pair of rose colored glasses on. I was woke but still not understanding the full meaning of this all. In the book, I also say “I’m still learning and open to getting the answers deemed emotionally worthy to get” which pre-journey I would of cried like an entitled child saying life is over like finding out that there’s no Santa Clause. People who truly get it say “Wait? There’s no Santa Clause?” and ends up in laughter telling me the story when they find out there was no Santa Clause. Some comedic and some tragic. But when we travel down the rabbit hole together, they share something far more intimate, the day they took off the rose colores glasses. Some I identified with in every detail. And in those I had no experience with, I just shut the fuck up and listened. That’s one thing I quote in the book. Sometimes you have to shut the fuck and listen.
Sometimes you have to shut the fuck up and listen.Frieda Lopez – Journey of an Unraveled Road 2019
Spoiler alert. This blog will end up being part of the follow up book so you know, but far much more detail including the accounts of the stories of those that pre-journey I would of been a horrible cunt to. Devaluing their journey and compare theirs to mine, also quoting that the poor can be the biggest narcissist in the absence of the things life didn’t financially afford them. As the most injustice the people I come from can be capable of doing is perceiving that fortune and fame is the end all and solve problem in life. Where many who have experienced where Lady Luck acted prematurely and Karma is rushing her ass through the motions to make it as right as she can, leave those on top with the worst problems anyone can ever encounter, being absolute in their loneliness where having it all means not having it all, as finding genuine people who actually give a shit about you is as hard as finding sanitation supplies in our current era of COVID.
I first encountered the song “Anyone” by Demi Lovato before writing the book back in 2019. I don’t even remember how I ended up getting my hands on this song then. I want to say that it was a demo of this song that I ended up coincidentally hearing in my many pendejadas that was my self destructive ways dealing with the pains that I was desperately trying to come to terms with that I thought I resolved. When I first heard this song, I broke down and cried. As my lawsuit to try to fight for my lawsuit to get the self respect and the dignity I lost during the time that I was sexually assaulted, harassed, discriminated, and retaliation. Carrie Underwood said it best when the tears come down in “Cry Pretty”. The second time I heard it in the beginning of 2020 I said “damn Demi, you fucken get it”. Today hearing it yet again during my Uber driving after helping someone two rides ago that didn’t want to go through with reporting the sexual assault which I respected and gave them the information they needed and the encouragement that in their own time, they will do it. However giving her the message that try to gain the courage before the deadline to prevent the person from hurting someone else again. After driving my nurse passenger who confided in the pain she had and the fears she has that her family all works in the medical field, after my encouraging words and heading to find more rides, the song came on again on Apple Music Radio. In the middle of nowhere on the service road, I had to pull over as the tears came down yet again. Not because of pain I have. Child, I’ve resolved that most recently back ago. I cried because not only because of what happened in my previous rides, but because I could truly hear in Demi Lovato’s voice the pain that I neglected to hear in the mist of my own adversity. In that same moment, I texted to talked a Instagram post sent directly to Demi Lovato with the song saying the following. Why even quote it when you can actually read it:
Billie Ellish is another amazing talent that I admire. In my book I pay homage to all the artist both starving and thriving and thanking them for the vulnerability they exhibit through their form of expression (Billie Ellish, I see you. I discovered you pre journey but your fucken amazing by the way). To not be able to express yourself as communicative person but be able to express your pain in the form of painting, composing, music, architecture, and all the many ways artist express themselves is truly captivating. If you really notice any form of art work regardless if it’s visual or audio, you can decipher the raw emotion someone feels. Why do you think so many people get drawn to certain pieces, like certain music, express themselves in certain fashion styles, because this is the passive aggressive way we can communicate how we truly feel. Why do you also think so many artist are for the most part happy? But the truth is that when those amazing artist gain fame and fortune, those who admire them tend to forget that they not only put their pants one leg at a time, that they also feel pain in more ways we can ever imagine. Because like Billie Ellish when the parties over, no one who actually gives a shit about our wellbeing is ever around. Because in narcissistic tendency, don’t give a shit except for what benefits them directly.
The first thing that people feel when someone comes up is jealousy and rage. The first question that people ask themselves to determine their own self worth is “What makes her so special?” Coming from someone who is not even B rated yet will tell you exactly how it is. There is nothing special that separates me from you and I. Timing, determination, and consistency along with pain, struggle, heartbreak, tragedy, deception, rock bottom is the only thing that separates my come up as small as it may be to those who have the habit of degrading me already. The reward of getting my voice heard was not a cheap price to pay either. The lost of those who I valued the most was the most consequential price to pay as those who I valued that held a special place in my heart had to be left behind by their blind perception. Becoming toxic in their own envy and making me into a person that I truly wasn’t. Out of the pains that I still live with to this very day is the lost of the people I cherished the most that are still living. Little do they know is that they helped me get here, and even if they know it will never truly appreciate the gratitude I have for them if I let them back in. Selena Gomez expressed it best in the song “Lose You to Love Me” as in order for me to love myself I have to cut the ties with those who have selfish intentions as many people on the bottom that choose to stay on the bottom, will never be happy for you because they aren’t happy for themselves. This is why I stand true to my mantra “I am not in the business of being no ones hero. The only one that can save you, is yourself.”
“I am not in the business of being no ones hero. The only one that can save you, is yourself.”Frieda Lopez – Journey of an Unraveled Road 2019
Those haters that still to this very day think they have some sort of affect on me (Narcissist much) talk shit in my writing style saying why are you talking to people like they are going to answer? You’ll never get an answer. The ugly truth to their misconception through their narcissistic perception is this is what in the communications that I personally get is what separates me from all other writers. In that moment that like Demi Lovato expresses in “Anyone” is the answers that those who feel like they aren’t being heard feel like they are finally being heard. When they read the thought process in my words turn to phrases they see the genuine understanding that I have been gifted to share, regardless if I don’t understand. Being empathetic or as others who give me too much credit reference me as an “empath” gifts me the ability to not only walk in someone’s shoes but genuinely feel their pain. Those who respect me get it. Those who are narcissist will tell me what they think I want to hear and when it’s time to face the mirror, deflect everything that I know they feel causing them to have an emotional outburst in their fear and their rage that someone is calling them out how they are. They also gain empathy when they show that they are done playing me like the violin they think I am and sincerely get the help they need. Another thing that people don’t realize is that I will always have empathy for people, I will never gain a complete attachment to people as I already know that in life people come and go. I am not being cruel or negative, but truth is human nature will always show otherwise. Human nature and the inability to respect someones boundaries is what keeps us as a whole separated. As with me letting people know what my boundaries are, where they stand, and when they cross them has repeatedly shown that in self motive, they will get away with as much they can to attain personal gratification. But the unfortunate thing about self gratification is that it’s the want we are trying to fulfill, never what we need. In this day in age we are always after what we want and never appreciative of what we need. And until then at that moment when you can appreciate the things that you need, happiness begins. And that is when the universe will begin giving you what you want, as consistency in being good person with no bias judgement is when you have earned it. Which today, is the day like One Republic expresses in their newest song “Wanted” in my favorite line in the entire song “She said, I’m counting up my Karma and I think it’s time to cash it in” with all the things that Ive done, I have to absolutely positively agree as well.