The Self Conflict of Good and Evil

The act of nurturing evokes of feeling of love, compassion, and importance to someone. We all want to be nurtured and we all at one point feel that we did not get this in our lives. This is a perception is biased as our version of nurture doesn’t match what is defined by society or by the people we surround yourself. The difference is that their are two versions of nurturing that we long for, through the need to validate and the need for justification comes from intentional and non intentional. Intentional, which comes from a selfish nature that afforded the resources to have nothing but time, intentionally neglects a child or individual in the act of self gratification. The unintentional, which comes from commonly my side of the tracks; is the limited time based on the cards they have been dealt, struggling to find the balance between providing necessities to upkeep the well-being of the household while struggling to keep up with the adversities of life, which in most cases requires two jobs and limited time to nurture kids. Don’t get me wrong, those in those situations still act selfishly but I truly feel it was unintended. As we constantly hear how worthless we are, why are you so stupid, you’ll never amount to anything, which comes from the own unresolved issues that with their regret and their struggle with their worth, is intended as tough love to prevent you from falling into the same trap. There is also the dark side of nurturing. This becomes a vendetta or a insecurity stemmed from a misperception stemmed from the childhood that they never had and will whatever they can to provide the life that they didn’t have perceived as better than theirs, still holding insecurities, enabling their kids and conditioning their children to use bad behavior as a manipulative tool to gain the life that they now feel you didn’t provide. Where because it was never enough for you with the insecurities that convinces one by the lies they tell their kids, you fall into a trap that you begin to vicariously live through your own child. It doesn’t mean your a bad parent, not at all. In fact I want to congratulate you for sticking it out. There is no right or wrong in the journey as long as you are sure of yourself. I don’t devalue anything you did as being a parent is tough as juggling your life and the lives you’re responsible for are tough. I say this as before taking the journey I felt like I could of had a better life with no understanding or empathy of the sacrifices my parents did. That being a parent is the cruelest of all titles to have, because your not only trying to follow the social norm in parenting, you face the judgement of so many people throughout the society, that due to their own struggle with self worth, they degrade the things that you can’t provide to your kids. As the social norm of parenting, is another rat race of misconception of lies, what you perceive, and in the bad cases demonizing a parent who did wrong by the actions a child’s misconceptions of the nurturing they are not receiving from you. Since behavior is always solely based on the upbringing of the child, makes you guilty by association, causing you to self preserve all in the sake of pointing out the real problem. Where courage, expressed in the best case scenario, turns dark when you and your child are outcast by society norms.

In my book I talk about balance. Getting to know both sides for me help me rationalize what the good versions and bad versions fit in. You can read the book about the effects that occurred when parents who devalued my upbringing, the trauma I faced, and my physical appearance that didn’t fit social norms and the effects it caused; when grown adults intentionally and purposely degraded me enabling my daily life in school. With that said, everyone tried to convince me as a teenager why my paternal family was such bad parents and why my entire life would be ruined if I continued to be raised by them. Of course due to self preservation, they attempted to make be the problem. But graciously, I had professional help that made me see at an early age due to being a low income family that what I perceived is not true. As the cards that my family was dealt, required my families limited time as almost everyone worked and in some cases two jobs, the life they provided. Yes they all had self sabotaging behavior, but truth is they knew with the trauma I faced, I had to grow up face and learn. As in my case, my trauma emotionally matured me as I gain self sufficiency on my own. I gained courage earlier writing about sensitive topics like abuse, molestation, and the emotional affects that suicide and how people’s lack of compassion plays a role in that. I was already a rebel early on and posed as a danger. What took the cake was when I talked about treating people differently is discrimination and that if we want to be unique, as everyone wanted to be in high school we had to love our parents, respect them, but be the person we are made to be. English teachers and debate teachers loved it, while parents demonized me as a threat. Now seeing the reason, a fucken teenager was calling them out for what they are and not what they perceived, which led to my parents transferring me schools three different times. One similar perception every teenage and parent had, establishing their own worth based on the things they did, what they wore, the car they had, and the achievements they established in high school. Thanks to a supportive network and the establishment of my maturity, I was back at my old high school which was the Nova Net program and completed my curriculum six months before I walked the stage, where the ones who saw my potential said I would do great things when I shake their hands as many nurtured the talent that I had and the ones who I posed a threat said whispered, your gonna amount to nothing. Again with the doubt that I would become nothing because someone who knew better ended up using their dark side to self preserve.

Self preservation has revealed the dark side of people that they all swear they don’t have most of the time. When insecurity and other factors I mentioned come into play, everyone who has has an upper hand or something you never could attain is out to get you. Well thanks to the dark psychology and the behavioral patterns we get conditioned for survival is absolutely the honest truth in most cases. Which made me touch back to basics to get a better understanding. I grew up catholic but I was drawn to Wicca. Not knowing why at the time but Wicca embraced nature and that like everything in nature good and evil or dark and light existed in everything the universe encompasses. Biology reinforced this with cell functions where protons and neutrons were the positive and negative electrical forces if I recall correctly. In my professional life, positive and negative behaviors determine the outcome of certain outcomes, and thanks to my metaphysical psychologist who Catholic by nature took the positive messages in religion as he also shared the love for one of humanities I shared Theology, has both the light and the dark in the messages it gives. If you don’t believe me, read the entire Bible. It doesn’t matter which one. There are some evil actions that it justifies the need for, that in our society would be deemed unethical, immoral, and potential a wrap sheet or potentially the death sentence.

In my journey one of the favorite foes I like to encounter are the self righteous. Although they appear consistent they are always betting on the insecurities you possess to be the way they manipulate you into believing what they believe in the sake of personal gain. Because the stereotype I perceive to them as being insecure, they always attempt to use first my insecurities as a scare tactic, then the traumas and my failures as way to shame, then God to scare me into obeying them as God is giving them an ultimatum that if I don’t obey I will be punished. What then happens is this. I tell ask them if their sure as God is telling me something else, then when they try to devalue me as God doesn’t talk to you cause your no one he would speak with, reply well are you sure your talking to God as my near death experiences have shown me a different description that you describe, follows justification of why things are different for me then them, which then has me asking why is he different if he’s suppose to be Universal, then by using another figure and questioning that characters moral standard, results to insults which then becomes the insecurities they really are concealing, then degrading me to the lowest form, where I call out the trauma that it stems, and finally when self preservation is used in the negative way, the real reason why they are truly not what they say they are pointing out not only the trauma they hold, but the sins they continue to commit today and the unforgivable sins of the past. And in their pride convince themselves of their worth, pointing out that if God truly spoke to them, why isn’t he correcting your sin of pride. This has shown wrath as I have had one get physical in their lack of self control, causing myself to physically defend myself and play a victim accusing me of causing the confrontation but always disproving the lie thanks to pedestrians, cameras, and the things they have done to others along the way. But it breaks my heart at the same time, because blinded by their pride, they never seem to find peace and just result to criminal behavior as many have now been convicted of hurting others.

Background and the past has so much to do with the way people feel. The truth is as everything in life always exist one common element, positive and negative. A rider told me something that I said YAAAASSSS to about the pandemic, that we lie to ourselves and when he admitted I like the other lies I tell myself I asked when I dropped him, permission to shake his hand. He asked he felt he was skeptical to say that because everyone he encountered always deflected what I told him in my book was self preservation. Telling him the content of the book, the trauma I experienced, taking accountability of the things I had control of and coming to terms with the things I couldn’t control which truly become the element of people. Thus turned to beginning the process to forgive myself of the things I did to others that I had control of, and started the closure to the negative events and being gracious of the positive it made me see just how beautiful life truly is. As simple as it sounds, it’s never that easy. Starting with my journey was just the basis, but sharing the journey of those willing to try, deceptive in the desire to try, the disappointments they endured during the journey, the milestones they reached in the story, and the positive places the journey took them. My hope which is the best case scenario, to see them reach which I am sure exist an improved version of the journey that with no doubt in my mind has gotten me to a happiness and love that I never thought I would ever find. And with all the hope in my heart learn something that I may have not attained as of yet. In the pursuit of hope, love, and happiness real talk, aside the ridicule of being psycho babble, cult talk, or whatever those who not ready to face themselves, is limitless universal, and at the end of the day uniquely you. Because you don’t have to change yourself or your beliefs when you take this journey. The only thing you need is an open mind, an open heart, and the courage to change.

Published by Frieda Lopez at Frieda the Writer

Frieda Lopez is a Texas Native, born in the heart of San Antonio's West Side Community. Frieda attended Lanier High School and primarily attended Memorial High School where she graduated with the class of 2001. Raised in a blended family dynamic, Ms. Lopez gained her noble character from the women she admired and loved the most, her grandmothers. Frieda attended Alamo Community College where she majored in Liberal Arts primarily studying on biology, sociology, philosophy, psychology, and creative writing and shortly attended University of Incarnate Word. She gained a MBA from AIU and has actively participated in local fashion shows until she moved to Houston returning back August 2019. She began her career in healthcare, where she gained the skill of being able to not only resolve conflicts but reach out and engage in the community through her time serving as health care relations customer care and outreach representative. After being let go from her employer which she last served as a Customer Relations Representative for DentaQuest, she began her journey in retail where she came part of the leadership team a month of working as a part time representative for MarketSource and build a relationship with her local Target team. She later served five years with Amtel T-Mobile as a Store Manger after moving to Houston to pursue a management position with unfortunately ended in adversity which opened the opportunity of writing her first book "Journey of an Unraveled Road" will be releasing her second book a fiction based series titled "The Rideshare Chronicles" with the first book to the installment titled "Destination Destiny."

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