The Demons of Our Inner Fear

Religion is one of those most beautiful pieces of literature that man has documented throughout history. In college after being struck by disappointment through a perception that I didn’t consider as I disregarded the affects of human nature, the medical industry so full of good is also inflicted with bad as in a real world scenario is deemed as the pros and the cons. After that chapter of my life, I struggled with what career path I was attempting next which led me to the major of Liberal Arts. Back in the early 2000, Liberal Arts was the major you choose when you can’t decide what to do after college. Rideshare has shown revealed while driving in San Marcos, Liberal Arts it’s a major of its own. Truth is Liberal Arts was my favorite major as it introduced to this journey where, theology, philosophy, sociology, and creative writing, which although coached that my grammar is a sign of rebellion as I never followed the status quo, had an act of making the reader feel like they were the character and could feel the emotions portrayed as my descriptive detailing stimulates the senses to the point of feeling the sensations told. To me, I’m okay. I don’t boast about it or elaborate my talent because everyone is different. Individuality is what sets us apart from everyone else.

Philosophy taught me different ways Lf thinking and introduced me to the brilliant minds of ancient great thinkers of their time who had nothing to prove, gained an audience, and never buckled down no matter how dangerous the threat. Socrates, given a death sentence for what the government deemed as insubordination, showed no fear or no regret as when he talked about as I interpreted as his greatest achievement was finding his true self, inspired other great thinkers that paved the wave for what we now see as quotes that we perceive as self gratification to convince ourselves that we deem appropriate in our social circles. Like everything else, human nature can taint even the holiest and purest forms of good in self gratification, which makes the greatest leaders, people with great intentions, and turns the purest of people into the demons that they once feared. As fear along with sin turn a power that was gained abs earned by good intention into someone now with power obtain an absolute power they refuse to control. Which those fallen from perceived absolute power into something that in a slippery slope is all for the greater good.

I was told that during the first set of book previews that I spoke like a true philosopher, others said that I had the makings of a messiah. It’s flattering but that was never my intention as I feel like I still have a lot to learn and lot more to work on. People will say otherwise, but because I know my flaws and faults I am not ready for that kind of power yet. I was even told I was on my way into politics. When I shared this with a few of my peers from college, I was told why this wasn’t true and would always be interrupted when I tried to share why this was said and why I wasn’t ready. The same reaction occurred once they heard my side which was a way to end the call. I never get why this happened, but they check on me and send me links to things to consider. Some show that they see a potential and some send me things that appear as why I’m lying to myself. It’s okay and don’t take it personal. I know myself well enough to control myself and practice that self control. I still love them non the less. People hate being wrong. As those who take accountability for being wrong after they earned their way back into my life as they now sincerely want guidance in gaining the same strength I gained ill share this happily as sharing the knowledge gained and seeks someone happy is the gratification I gain when they see themselves the way I saw them. And since everyone’s journey is different as their own individuality, can’t take it personal when it doesn’t work for them.

The Secret is an amazing piece of literature but never worked for me. I’ve seen this work be effective to others both in the best case scenario where they don’t result to immoral behavior and the worst case where they get what they thought they want by resulting to immoral behavior only wanting more and still with the same result of being unhappy. This was something that I felt was missing as I always claimed that I was the master of my own sail, and after reading some self help books that made me loath reading not so much. Don’t get me wrong they are all great pieces that I won’t name as perception will taint the truth that it just wasn’t effective for me. Possibly because this was written by people who didn’t have unresolved issues, maybe it was someone who had it all, but mine filled will a dark childhood, trauma, and a gateway to a life not my own as I did not find my self or close the wounds of my childhood. Was made for those rough around the edges that society deemed the damage and broken find peace and love within themselves to begin the journey to their best life. As the damage was the emotionally wounded inflicted with emotional abuse, physical abuse, self sabotage, sexual assault, child molestation which brought to light that those who perceive normal have just been condition to fake it to make it in life as their journey reveals a dark past that has occurred in their life and their family history. That because society will use this as a way to demonize a family legacy, has the victims of childhood trauma living in torment by the individual who stole their innocence and a family that enabled this behavior by demonizing the victim and not holding that action accountable, leaves others children prey and potentially already victim to protect the family reputation, now living in fear for their children and the children of others. Which if you dig deeper, find that because everyone in denial never addressed the problem, now have generations of victims because they were conditioned to live in silence, never gain peace because they never got justice for the innocence they lost.When the molestation I faced started surfacing, my paternal family felt guilty. When I had episodes and became open about it, teachers who cared in elementary school intervened and defended me when parents who tried to devalue my worth as afraid of infecting their children and actually making it a point to obnoxiously say this loud enough for me to hear, someone stepped in to put them in their place. Based on observation, that doesn’t exist anymore. You have teenagers and kids suicide rates increasing, parents committing murder against their children and no one looking into the back story. You have license workers with no life experience deeming what should be appropriate for recovery of this and in their failed attempt deeming them as unrepairable, it makes those who have pain give up. Shame on you shit heads. I feel that if you are going to let emotion get in the way of your better judgement and allow yourself to get easily influenced by peers, you have no business helping people. Truth is you haven’t helped yourself since your collecting a paycheck and not having passion in your job. It’s these same people who exaggerate situations to gain something in return using intimidation to scare people into getting what they want. Now your on the slippery slope of manipulation and if you don’t stop now, who knows what your bad behavior will lead you to.

It amusing at that moment when someone attempts manipulation when I already know fact off their demeanor, body language, and usually someone who already betrayed their trust to tell me their real intentions. In the book I reference that at pulling a Judist. Let’s keep it real you are. I know that their is good in everyone as even the darkest people I’ve encountered have shown it to be. As the molestation followed me, I prevented someone in their moment of darkness stop them by subconsciously saying in fear, don’t punish me for someone else who hurt you. I was a teenager then and I was scared. While running out of the situation I could hear the agony they held throughout their life. I guess the blessing in trauma is that you stay aware, survey your surroundings, and gain a photographic memory. You don’t remember names but you always remember faces. When an attempt happened in my adulthood, let’s just say they never expected to gain any consequence as fear I had made me receptive to the mixed martial arts training my USMC uncle felt was necessary for my future after I told him what happened after it occurred. I don’t know what happened, but let’s say he avoided me like the plague. Which is why he felt that I had to be strong and learn how to not only protect myself physically but protect others from walking never me. The same as my maternal grandmother taught me, where I learned more than I ever expected. With the two not knowing how much of a bad ass they were, taught me the tactics of surviving. It’s natural to want to know as we all want to be a threat. I’m not in the business of talking. I don’t need credibility but as long as I’m not pushed then it won’t be an issue. As if I don’t feel like I need to protect myself, it’s something that no one will ever have to endure as all I care about is your closure and your happiness.

Self gratification can be from many things, which is something you have to find what it is. I won’t explain or tell you everything about the subject because I don’t know enough about it yet. Like a void, this I will say shows to be the act of consistency someone attempts to show their tainted worth. Which is why absolute power is something I never want. To have control of things can sway in different ways. To each is own. One of the songs that I reference is Elton Johns, Goodbye Yellow Brick Road. The one thing I will always hold true is that I will never interfere with free will. I’ll be quick to separate myself from someone on a destructive path because I’m not going to be guilted by association. I’m good with my own pendejadas. Because doing a good thing doesn’t involve saving everyone, it starts by saving yourself. Without life experience, you set yourself up for bias. Because if you enable someone who doesn’t know how to save themselves, you set yourself up for risks you can’t even imagine. Because someone who’s gotten away with things, will continue the act that links to a past that due to family pride, painting a perfect picture that skin deep, resulted from people who should of known better and never did anything to stop it from repeating, will only be blamed for someone else’s destructive path to fitting the social norm. Because with the wrong person, insecurities, and the desire of chasing the American Dream, may never come out of a situation and now being responsible, put others in jeopardy as you taking accountability are lying in the bed you made in refusing to change. In the end, when you turn your head for the sake of self preservation. Everyone deserves fair redemption and fair forgiveness. My question is what are you doing to forgive yourself for that? What are you doing to gain forgiveness from those you hurt? What are you doing to gain forgiveness from yourself?