Nonverbal queues say a lot about the things a person is thinking or feeling but can’t say. I once was told I was a people pleasure. For the longest time I thought was that case, but coming to realize it wasn’t a act of satisfying someone’s ego. It was to even if it was for that time I was part of a persons journey even if it was for that moment, it was that one moment that they had someone sincerely understand them with no judgement, support, and already based on their behavioral pattern and their non verbal queues could already determine what was about to happen. This turns up being something that ends up being accurate in the hopes that I would misjudge something. As human nature will always take place in the act of self preservation.
We all stereotyped someone once in our lives, but we also get stereotyped more than we think. Just with the things we wear is what people will use as a basis. What we say in conversation tells someone everything they need to know about you. Truth is you’re not hiding you’re insecurities well, like me I made this mistake too often. On this journey, I found something that most people want, to let go of the past, to heal from hurt, to resolve our unresolved issues. Truth is that is what I wanted closure of so I can be the best person I could be. Because of this, I’m a open book. When I talk about some of the things in the journey, I immediately get stereotyped. Oh she’s paranoid. She’s playing a victim..always follows why I mentioned that. But truth is everyone assumes that I’m insecure, hearing what they perceived and trying to give me sympathy or comfort me. Then when I expressed it no longer effects me, it becomes an attempt to tell me what they think I want to hear. Even though you are transparent and let people know what they need to do to just shut you up (one of my many flaws to be respectful to them) a passive aggressive attempt will be made, which is really rude and degrading as it shows your arrogance and your insecurity and fear of confrontation just with that one action. Once a boundary that they crossed of mine is presented, this turns to deflection followed by an attempt to gain back value they feel I devalued and finally when the things that you were passive aggressive about finally can’t be controlled…..the emotional outburst that because of silence due to your passive aggression which is triggered by fear of a threat. Which in my case since I’m truly content with myself as I’m still not finished in my journey, just needed honesty. Which brings a good point. Even the most greatest of moral people will lie and result to other desperate attempts to rid a threat all in the sake of self preservation. The common reason why, because they didn’t want to be rude.
I was told a long time I needed to pick and choose my battles. I’m not scared to confront people. In the best case scenario it always revealed that a misjudgment was just that and things would go back to normal. Which is why I wear what I want when I want because it doesn’t matter to me as I’m not trying to get acceptance. It actually has revealed the evils of human nature. I myself start preparing myself with every encounter expecting the worst and hoping for the best. Because childhood trauma that I’m confident to say is finally a thing of the past, has taught me that bad things will happen by someone who knew better. Because we all are entitled shits. Don’t admit it to me and those who immediately are denying or justifying this keep it to yourself. You really don’t have to prove anything to me. Keep it that way. I would love to truly hear when it’s your time and when your willing (as most people will force it) to share with me when you started seeing the behavioral patterns of your entitlement. You’ll be surprised what happens when you stop being passive aggressive.A passenger made a good point to me that I neglected to overlook as earlier that day I was overcome by disappointment. As she was the first genuine person who even though she assumed what she assumed, didn’t attempt to degrade me as she treated me like I was like her. Although we came from the same neighborhood and were the same age, we always forget to consider what has happened before and the journey already treaded. Hers starting with her dad getting deported, which led to a fathers fight for something better resulted to upon his return moving up in social class. Which if herself and her parents weren’t receptive to, would have not afforded the life she’s living post pandemic. Is she happy with her life, I absolutely feel she is. Although there are things she’s working toward, there was no deflection, no attempt to dig deeper when I said it’s just part of my story, and didn’t force her personal beliefs on me. Yeah she might be skeptical or cautious of me and that’s okay.
I don’t take it personal. We live in a society where we make excuses for others and justify their wrongs. That we are that afraid of the world that we end up depending on other people to fight for us. We expect people to react in a certain way. We expect the treatment and respect from others. If you expect anything from someone material or non material, your entitled. My disappointment came from a person I gave a chance to already knowing what to expect. Who defended his friend who immediately saw me as stuck up as most people who come from my side of the tracks identifies people that wear Victoria Secret Pink as a come up. And because people who aren’t sure of themselves will always become abusive and degrading in validating their worth. That because of his influence he now believed what was said. It doesn’t only happen in personal life, it happens in our professional lives, which when it happens is hard to overcome. Truth is toxic people, although they are able to gain it will never feel it’s worth gaining. Because they lost hope that their are truly good people. Because someone thought they could treat someone differently in the sake of finding their self worth. Because they to that person had no value was discriminated as treating someone differently is just that. Maybe because they don’t know better still is taking advantage of a vulnerable situation. Because a grey area doesn’t exist because wrong is wrong no matter what the reason is. If you justify why, you’re being biased. Because while the worlds burning, we feel helpless as to why their ain’t no good people and with things like COVID19 we just get more selfish. Human nature will always convince us we know better, which is why the second phase of this pandemic will not be a concern until people start dying again. And even when scientist say that we are entering an era of regular pandemics we say it’s bullshit regardless that climate change is melting the icecaps, because of our stubbornness of entitlement where we refuse to adapt to change since things are comfortable and just wanting more validation and believe those who we aren’t discriminatory to, the only ones at fault is ourselves. Because balance will separate the paranoids of the worlds from the ones aware. Because a stereotype will make the aware paranoid. But because we struggle to find balance, we rather not know due to how we know how we are will end up putting ourselves, our family, our children at risk. Because of my naive optimism, I got caught off guard when I moved to Houston. But it was the best time of my life as yes bad shit happened, but so much great came out of it.
Those that hate Houston share one trait, they don’t like change. But Houston revealed the worst case scenario that happen to someone I encountered where due to stereotyping those who fall victim to human trafficking, now grieved the lost of her 3 children. Because no matter if you tell yourself whatever you want to yourself, I see people with children always trying to show the world they are the perfect mom. And from their insecurities and their misjudgement will allow a dangerous person into their lives. They come in all social classes now thanks to entitlement and dodging accountability. That things like sexual harassment, sexual assault, and human trafficking are happening everyday even in San Antonio. That because we turn our head and disregard those dangers as we swear it will never happen to me is the reason why you become the easiest prey. In your attempt of intimidation reveals your vulnerability. Which is why when I recognized the signs of trauma on a rideshare when I started, is what compelled me to converse with the college girl and assuring that the her no wasn’t miscommunicated, turned into a situation that I encouraged her to make the decision and pointed out that not only will she be able to have someone who violently intimidated her to keep her mouth shut, she had a stranger who sharing her experience and why in the end no matter what took place wasn’t her fault as she doesn’t control someone else’s action. Which revealed that she’s glad I was her driver, cause no one else would of cared or would want to get involved. Which the female police officer who was called to the scene thanked me which I responded with it’s what any decent human being would of done. What she replied with after really scared me which was, you’d be surprised how many rape victims don’t get justice and closure. No one deserves to go through that. People don’t take action because they don’t care or are scared to get involved. Because silence is what not only separates us, but opens us up to being someone else’s next victim. Which brings my next mantra, never say never cause never always happens. And with almost every conversation and interaction reveals never always eventually happens.